I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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