I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
