His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
