My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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