forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize