Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
