Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
