i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
