im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Randomize
