He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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