about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
