Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
