I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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