Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My ass is underappreciated
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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