Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Congratulations! We have a period
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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