How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
