Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
