I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
