I just pynch a tree in the face
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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