he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
