I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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