he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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