Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize