where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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