Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
