At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
