If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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