I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
