Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
