Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
