I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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