: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
