Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
this is an emotional support booty call
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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