my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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