very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
