Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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