just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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