i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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