The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
