How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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