you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
