a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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