I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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