u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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