I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My bed is full of blood and feathers
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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