Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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