my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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