I think my vagina is haunted
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
