Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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