hell yes lets make some ravioli
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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