i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
