In the future we'll all be gay
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
