help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
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