drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
