there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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