he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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